I Think We Should Call It
by jamiev
Summary: What would have happened if Nick and Jess hadn't "uncalled it". AU, set after CeCe's wedding.
1. Chapter 1

"I Think We Should Call It"

This story takes place after CeCe's wedding, except Jess and Nick never "uncalled" it. Winston passed out in the ventilation system, and never talked Nick into going after Jess. Nick instead went with Winston to the hospital, and Jess went home alone.

Disclaimer: I own nothing...seriously, try to sue me, see what happens. I promise you will never get back the time or money you wasted in a pointless attempt to take me for everything that I have, which again is nothing.

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It had been a little over a month since CeCe's almost wedding and Nick and Jess were still not speaking to one another. Nick wasn't even sure if it was on purpose anymore or if it was just a habit for the two of them to avoid each other now. Nick wasn't even sure of Jess' schedule anymore, all he could do was pick up as many shifts as he could at the bar to help in their unspoken agreement of avoidance. When he was at the loft, he spent as little time as possible in the common areas as he could. Nick assumed Jess was doing the same, because he rarely saw her, and when he did they both pretended to be on their way to doing something else to quickly escape each other's presence. Nick knew that his and Jess' relationship (or lack there of) was taking a toll on Winston and Schmidt. He barely saw either of them anymore since he spent so much time avoiding the loft in general. Nick could feel the rift slowly settling in, and he didn't know how to fix it. He felt like they all blamed him for what was happening, and he privately agreed.

Nick had just finished a double shift at the bar and was beat. He slowly trudged off of the elevator and made his way to the door of 4D. It was the sound of her crying that made him stop as he was reaching for the doorknob. Winston's voice came next, but it was soft and soothing and Nick had to push his ear to the door to make out what he was saying.

"Don't cry, Jess, we will figure this out, together." Winston said reassuringly.

"What's there to figure out Winston? I of course am not the biggest fan of living with a new stranger, but I support Jess' decision. I don't know about you guys, but I am seriously exhausted from swimming through the tension in this loft, it's thicker than jello in here." Schmidt was slightly easier to hear, but Nick still pressed his ear hard against the door, not quite comprehending the conversation that was being had amongst his roommates.

"So you think this will fix everything Schmidt?" Winston asked a little bit louder now. Nick couldn't tell if he had gotten closer or if he had raised his voice, but he guessed by his tone that it was the latter.

"Maybe not at first, but this will at least force Nick to stop avoiding the issue. When he's confronted with this, he won't have a choice but to deal with it." Schmidt was being more serious than Nick had heard him be in a long time, or maybe it had just been a long time since Nick had really talked to Schmidt...Nick wasn't sure.

"Listen, this isn't either of your guys' problem." Nick heard Jess' shaky voice pipe up. "I appreciate both of your support, but I'll deal with Nick. I just hope he understands," her voice trailed off softly.

"He will Jess," Winston comforted her, "I've known Nick my whole life, and even though he's been acting like a complete ass lately, I know he'll be the person he's capable of being here. And in the off chance that he doesn't understand, screw him, he doesn't deserve you anyway. I for one look forward to meeting our new roommate." Winston's voice sounded muffled, and Nick guessed that he had been hugging Jess.

Nick backed away from the door slowly, and as quietly as his heavy feet would allow. He took the stairs to avoid having to wait for the elevator, but instead of the lobby Nick found himself on the roof. As Nick settled into a lawn chair with several broken straps he struggled to comprehend everything he had just heard. His mind reached and grasped at different turns and angles, but everything he had just heard led him back to the same conclusion. His roommates were going to ask him to move out. Had he really made life that difficult lately that it had come to this? Nick hadn't cried since his father's funeral, and as he felt his chest constrict he was reminded of Jess standing next to him in that ridiculous Elvis outfit, holding his hand. Had that really been so long ago, Nick wondered. He leaned back in his chair and looked at the stars as he let his mind try to wrap around his current situation. The more he thought about it he realized that he couldn't really blame them. It was practically like he had already moved out anyway, he was just surprised that his two best friends would find it so easy to replace him. Maybe that's what Schmidt meant by "he won't have a choice but to deal with it", maybe Winston and Schmidt were doing what they thought was best for their crumbling friendships. They were right to kick him out, and even though Nick understood their decision, he could not help but feel betrayed. Winston's words ran through his head on a loop he couldn't stop, "he doesn't deserve you anyway." Despite the truth in them, he resented that it was so obvious to everyone else as well. It was the only reason why Nick had suggested they call it off, why he let her walk out of the hotel that night, and why he had avoided the hell out of her ever since. Nick knew better than anyone that he did not deserve someone like Jess. He knew it in the beginning, but had avoided really dealing with it until her dad had so eloquently shoved it in his face. Nick wanted to be the kind of man that Jess deserved, but he didn't know where to start. So he did what he did best, he ran. He spent the last month running away from her every day. Nick didn't know what to say or do to make things better, but what he did know was that he was not in a position to try and fail; there was just too much at stake. Nick wasn't sure how long he had been sitting there, staring at the stars and thinking about Jess. His emotions were mixed, he felt overwhelming surges of anger, fear, sadness, and shame bounce through his chest, and his thumbs absentmindedly rubbed against his fingers in an attempt to calm himself down.

Nick finally returned to the apartment, he waited at the door for several minutes trying to hear any voices, but the loft was quiet. He tiptoed through the door, and closed it as quietly as he could before sneaking to his room. He didn't sleep. Instead he composed three letters, one for each of his roommates. In the morning he waited for them to all leave, listening carefully for the sound of the door closing a third and final time as the last remaining roommate (he thought it was maybe Winston) left the loft. He then poked his head out of his room, calling to be sure, "hey guys?" Nick yelled. There was no response. He quickly jumped into the shower, the water spraying him back to life and revitalizing his will to follow through with his plan. He dried quickly and threw on some jeans and a black t-shirt. In the next hour Nick managed to race through his room, packing as much as he could into two travel bags and a backpack. Looking around his room one last time Nick swallowed and closed his eyes as he thought about what he was about to do. He walked to the kitchen, his bags slung over his shoulders, and left the three letters sitting on the island. As Nick looked around his apartment one last time he remembered the last time he had thought he was moving out, and about how he had come back. At the time he hadn't really accepted it, but he knew now that he had come back for her. She was after all the kind of girl a guy would come back for. His face scrunched into a frown and his heart ached, knowing that this time he could not come back. It would take everything that he had to stay away, but he knew that this was for the best. Winston's voice rang through his head again, "he doesn't deserve you anyway." Nick walked out of his apartment for the last time, and when he got outside he saw the cab that he had set up online was already waiting for him. He climbed in, refusing to look back, and closed his eyes. It felt like only minutes later that he was opening them again when he heard the cab driver yell back at him, "hey man, we're here." Nick looked around quickly realizing that he was right, they were at the departures drop off at LAX. Nick paid the cab driver quickly and climbed out, bags again slung over his shoulders. He again refused to look back as headed into the airport.

Schmidt was the first to come home that day, it was Friday and while he usually ended up staying late on Friday's trying to finish everything that he had left until the last minute, this week was different, this Friday he had a date. He had made the date earlier in the week with CeCe, and he was nervous since it was the first time he would be out with her alone since telling both her and Elizabeth that he needed time to be by himself. It was the most adult decision he had made in his whole life, and he had congratulated himself by partying like a freaking rockstar every weekend since. He had burned out quickly though, realizing that he was no longer twenty-two. It hadn't taken him long to come to the conclusion that he wanted to be in a grown-up relationship, and that the person he wanted to be with was the same person he wanted to be with two years ago, CeCe.

He walked into the apartment, heading straight for the fridge to grab an apple. He quickly washed it underneath the sink and turned towards the island to begin slicing it; how most people tolerated just biting into an apple, eating it until they hit the core, Schmidt would never understand. Thats when he noticed the three envelopes sprawled across the counter. "Hey! Who left their mail in the kitchen?!" Schmidt called out through the loft, realizing that one of his roommates must have beat him home. "What's the point in having designated mail cubbies if we're just going to leave our correspondence lying around like its a freakin' jail cell?!" Schmidt yelled again through the loft, his head peeking down the hallway to see if any of his roommates would come out of their rooms and claim accountability for their lack of civility. No one responded, so Schmidt, muttering underneath his breath, reached for the envelopes. That's when he realized that it wasn't mail. He saw Nick's untidy scrawl across each envelope, and found the one with his name on it. Schmidt's face turned to a scowl; something was wrong. In the entire ten years that Schmidt had lived with Nick, he could not once ever remember Nick leaving him a note...note even a sticky note. Schmidt's face fell from a scowl to a full on frown as he read through Nick's short letter:

_Schmidt,_

_Sorry buddy, but you know I couldn't stay forever. Don't worry, I'll be okay. I'm gonna go take care of my Ma for awhile, she hasn't been doing so great since Walt's been gone. I'm serious man, don't worry about me, I'll be fine...seriously, stop worrying! _

_See ya later man,_

_Nick_

Schmidt was re-reading the letter for a third time when Jess and Winston walked through the door together, laughing about something that had happened to Jess earlier in the day. Schmidt did not look up.

"What's wrong Schmidt?" Jess asked, immediately noticing the frustrated look on his face as he stared intently at the piece of paper in front of him.

Schmidt looked up slowly from his letter, there was no other way of saying it, "Nick's gone, you guys."

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Reviews appreciated!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Again, I own nothing.

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Nick counted the cases of beer in the cooler absent-mindedly, slowly letting his mind drift back to doing this same exact task in LA. He shook his head slightly, trying to erase the memory. "Damn it," he mumbled to himself, he had lost count. He started again, this time trying to focus on the task at hand. It had been six, almost seven months since he had left LA. Even though his mind wandered back to his life there almost on a daily basis, he had found little tricks to help him avoid the knots that would wind in his stomach and chest if he spent too much time thinking about it. One of them was counting. Nick found reasons to count at his job, offering to take inventory on a daily basis at the bar he now bartended at in Chicago. Nick took inventory on everything, alcohol, glasses, plates, silverware. Everyday before his shift, he came in an hour early and just counted. It helped clear his mind. Sometimes when he was overwhelmed or frustrated he would start seeing her; everywhere. He would get close and then realize it was just some stranger with bangs, or a random girl with a pretty dress and stockings. Whenever this would happen Nick would count, he would count the tiles on the ceiling, or if it happened while he was working he would count the number of shots he served in an hour. The benefit to his counting was that Nick found he quickly became good at math; he wondered sometimes if maybe he had always been good at math and had just never really tried before. Regardless, this is how Nick found himself in the cooler of a bar on the North Side of Chicago, counting beer cases. When he was finished he went back behind the bar, clapping Mike, the owner, on the back, "all good man, I've got it from here."

"You sure about that, 'cause I've been sitting here for twenty minutes, and I still don't have a drink," a familiar voice came from the other end of the bar.

Nick looked down to see Winston smiling a familiar smile at him. He looked back at Mike, eyes furrowed into a question, and Mike smiled, "this young man here says he's a friend of your's Nicky; said he would wait here all day if he had to to get one of your cocktails," Mike explained, with a smile on his face.

"Mike, I uh..." Nick began, but he wasn't sure how to finish. He didn't know how he felt about seeing Winston sitting at the end of his bar, waiting for him like he used to in LA. This wasn't LA, and Nick wasn't the same person that he was when he left LA.

Mike misunderstood Nick's internal confusion for sentiment at seeing a long lost friend. "It's alright Nicky, when your friend Winston came in here I called in Sally, she should be here soon, you take the night, catch up with your friend," Mike said, clapping Nick on the back. He turned around to head to the other side of the bar, leaving Nick to face Winston alone.

"Seriously, is it because I'm black? What's a guy gotta do to get a drink around here?" Winston asked again, the smile still glued to his face.

Nick walked slowly to the end of the bar where Winston sat. He was sure that there was a frown on his face, but he didn't know how to erase it. He reached under the bar and grabbed two Heislers before hopping onto and over the bar to join Winston in the seat next to him. He silently opened both the beers and passed Winston his while taking a quick sip from his own. He couldn't look at Winston, so he looked straight ahead and started counting the number of bottles on the wall, singing the song in his head as he counted.

Winston picked up his beer and took a sip, his smile slowly falling from his face as he realized that Nick wasn't exactly pleased to see him. "That's some greeting for your best friend that you haven't seen in over half a year," Winston said, looking at Nick. He hadn't noticed before as Nick had approached him, but now that he was really looking at Nick he realized that Nick looked older somehow. It hadn't been more than a year, but there was roughness to Nick that hadn't been there before. It reminded Winston of when Nick had broken up with Caroline, but this was different somehow. Back then Nick had let himself go, letting his beard grow out and practically giving up on showering. Now, it was clear that Nick was taking care of himself, in fact he looked in better shape than Winston had ever remembered seeing him in his life; but his eyes were different, darker somehow.

"What are ya doing here man?" Nick asked softly. He wasn't going to lie and say he was excited to see his lifelong friend sitting in front of him. He spent the better half of his day trying to forget Winston and Schmidt, especially because thinking of them would most certainly lead to thinking of her, which was not something he could afford to do without risking his sanity.

"I came to see you," Winston replied simply, still looking at Nick even though Nick refused to look back. "I got in last night, called your mom this morning. I gotta say I just about passed out from shock when she said you were at the gym. She said you go everyday before coming here. I thought maybe she was pulling my leg, but I guess not, you look good man," Winston finished slowly, hoping flattery would help break the ice here. He wasn't lying though, as he looked at Nick he couldn't help but notice how different his physique was. Nick's face was less round, and if it hadn't been covered in stubble Winston was sure that his chin would have looked more cut. Nick wasn't dressed in anything revealing, just jeans and a long sleeved thermal; but Winston could tell that his arms were bigger, and that Nick hadn't eaten a cookie since he had left LA because his jeans suggested a smaller waistline than the Nick he remembered used to have.

"So, what are ya doing here?" Nick asked again, still looking forward. He let Winston's flattering words roll off him easily, not giving them any thought. Nick had never really cared about his appearance before. There had been a couple different reasons why he started to work out. Part of it was his new life that he was attempting to build. As difficult as it was, Nick was determined to find a way to become a man that would deserving of someone like Jess. He never allowed himself to wonder what would happen if he ever came close to resembling that man, he rarely entertained any 'what-if's' knowing how dangerous they could be. But that didn't stop him from trying, and he did, day in and day out he truly tried to do better, to be better. Another reason he started working out was the fact that he flat out just needed something to do. He hadn't realized how much of his time his friends had taken up back in LA. Not that it bothered him, it had just never really occurred to him how much time he spent with them. When he got to Chicago he found himself with an incredible amount of free time on his hands, even after finding a job. He spent a good portion of his nights after he got off of work writing. He had finally finished his zombie novel, and his uncle Marty had submitted it to a publisher friend of his who told him it might even sell. Nick had spent the past month going back and forth with an agency who wanted to represent him and his book. The mornings and afternoons were dedicated to exercise. Nick would wake up no later than ten (relatively early considering his nights didn't end until at least three or four in the morning depending on what time he gave up writing), and go for a long run around his neighborhood. He would run, counting the cars he passed on the street, or the birds he heard chirping. When it got colder he counted the leaves that fell from the trees until there were too many to count. Now that it was December he counted the houses with wreaths on the doors or lights around the house. When he was done with his run he would come back to his mom's house, make some breakfast, and run whatever errands his mom needed him to; groceries, appointments, whatever she needed. After that he would walk over to the local gym; he had started boxing, Nick found it was a good release for his anger that he had pent up since he was a child. Nick thought about how different his life was now as he waited for Winston to reply. Finally Nick looked over at Winston, who was staring back with a confused look on his face.

"Where'd you go, man?" Winston asked quietly.

"I've been right here," Nick answered simply, but Winston shook his head.

"No, man, you've been somewhere else. You still are somewhere else, I can tell," Winston said taking another sip of his beer.

Nick considered Winston's words before mimicking his actions, and sipping on his bottle as well. "Last time man, what are ya doing here?" There was no anger or frustration in Nick's voice, but he said it with a finality that made it clear he wasn't going to play any games.

"You know why I'm here, Nick," Winston responded looking back at him. "I'm just not sure why you're still here," Winston said honestly. He remembered reading Nick's letter that Friday afternoon half a year ago:

_Winnie,_

_You're right, you're always right. I need to go work out some stuff, my ma isn't doing so well. Take care of yourself man,_

_Nick_

Winston didn't feel slighted that the letter was so brief, although Schmidt had bitched for hours that his had only been a couple of sentences.

"Ten years and I barely get ten words! I've had computers that have been more emotionally expressive!" Schmidt had exclaimed in frustration. Winston looked over at Jess who was still clutching her letter, clearly re-reading it for probably the hundredth time, her face glassy and her eyes wider than usual.

After Nick had left, Winston gave him a month before he would be back. But a month came and went quickly, and there was no sign of Nick. Winston finally had given up on waiting for Nick to come back, and decided to go and get him himself. Things were getting out of hand. There was clearly no end in sight to either Jess' or Nick's stubbornness, so Winston decided he would have to put an end to this madness himself. Winston waited for Nick to reply as he finished his beer.

Nick considered Winston's words. He was right, Nick knew exactly why Winston was there. He knew the second he heard his voice. Nick was cautious for this very reason, he knew that he couldn't give in to Winston, he knew that he couldn't go back. There was nothing to go back to. He had left that life behind him, Nick refused to hope, instead he calmly accepted that it was over, his life in LA was finished. Now he focused on his new life in Chicago. Here he tried to establish things that he had attempted and failed at in LA. His book, his health, these were things that Nick gave up on too easily in LA, but here in Chicago Nick made them priorities. Whether he did this in order to have a regular distraction, or he did it in order to be worthy of her somehow, Nick wasn't entirely sure; maybe it was both. "I'm sorry you wasted your time Winston, I'm not going back," Nick said calmly, downing the last of his beer as he looked Winston in the eyes.

Winston furrowed his brow. He hadn't expected this to be easy, per-say, but he certainly hadn't expected Nick's stoney-faced flat out refusal either. "Come on man, we both know you don't belong here, Nick. You told me in my letter that I was alway right, so why don't you do us both a favor and listen to me now. Come home Nick." Winston said tilting his head down and staring at Nick meaningfully.

Nick could feel his mouth form into a frown as he remembered the letter he had written to Winston. He had meant it, he had never known Winston to be wrong. But now, he wasn't so sure. Nick knew he couldn't go back, there was nothing there for him. He softened slightly as his friend for as long as he could remember looked at him imploringly. "I'm sorry man, I appreciate you coming all the way out here, I do, but, I'm not going to go back. I did tell you in that letter that you were right about everything, and I meant it. But I meant it in context to something else you had said. The truth is, I'm not the same person I was then, so even though you were always right before, you might not be anymore, because everything's different now." Nick tried to explain. He didn't know how else to say it, but there it was. Things had changed, so logically Winston wasn't necessarily always right anymore, especially now that he didn't know Nick like he used to.

"Don't do that, man," Winston started, he didn't try to hide his frustration with Nick, "don't do the whole 'I'm a different person, you don't know me anymore, blah, blah, blah'. The truth is I know exactly who you are, you're Nick Miller! You're the kid that refused to smile on picture day. You're the guy that wouldn't stand up for yourself to anyone, not even the little girl down the street when she kicked you in the knees and called you a sissy for refusing to go into Mr. Randall's yard to get her ball. But you're also the guy that told everyone off for laughing at me when I walked in to school with an MC Hammer haircut in the eleventh grade. Yeah, congratulations, you're not at risk for dying young of a heart attack or stroke anymore, but you're the exact same guy you've always been. If you were a different person, you would have come back on your own a long time ago. Classic Nick Miller, run away when things get too hard, just like your dad." Winston finished with a sneer. He went to take another drink of his beer when he had remembered that he had finished it. He went to stand up and leave, when he noticed Nick looking down. Winston had thought at first that Nick had been looking down in shame, but he realized now that is mouth was moving slightly...was he counting? "Hey, Nick, what are you doing man? You okay?" Winston asked, all anger had dropped from his voice, Nick's behavior was scaring him, even if only a little.

Nick had let Winston finish with his rant while he counted the stitches in his jeans. He had made it to two-hundred and twenty-eight by the time Winston had finished, and even though his ears were slightly hot, his anger was well under control. Nick looked up slowly at Winston, "I don't know what to tell you, man, you can think whatever you want, it really doesn't matter. I'm still not going back." Nick turned away from Winston again and looked back at his beer.

Winston stared at Nick like he was a robot. This was definitely different. "You're right man, maybe you have changed. You know, the Nick I used to know may not have been perfect, but at least he had some passion, at least he cared about the people in his life." Winston said shaking his head and squinting his eyes as though he was trying to recognize the man in his life now.

Nick started laughing, "I'm super confused man, was it the old me that was a jerk, or is it the new me...I can't tell who you're trying to insult. Better yet, I'm still not entirely sure why you're here. You guys were the ones who wanted me to leave in the first place, now you're here tell me to come back, what gives Winston?" Nick asked, still laughing slightly at the new contradictory nature of his friend.

Winston raised his eyes in confusion, "Wait a minute...who told you they wanted you to leave?" Winston asked, honestly confused.

Nick sighed, it looked like he was going to have to tell Winston that he had overheard them all that night, although he wasn't too keen to admit to eavesdropping, he supposed it didn't really matter now. "You all said it, I heard you guys talking the night before I left. You were talking about getting a new roommate, how it would force me to deal with things. Jess was crying, you told her I didn't deserve her anyway. That's what I had meant in the letter...when I said that you were always right. I didn't deserve her then, and I still don't deserve her now. That's why I'm not going back." Nick finished explaining to Winston, looking down at his calloused hands.

Winston's mind tried to wrap around the words Nick had just revealed. They hadn't been planning to kick him out, what exactly had Nick overheard? Something about a new roommate? And that's when it hit Winston like a ton of bricks. He started shaking his head as he tried to explain to Nick, "Listen man, that whole conversation you heard was taken completely out of context. We were never planning on asking you to leave Nick. Yeah, things were hard on all of us, but we weren't going to kick you out over it."

Nick narrowed his eyes at Winston. Could it really be true, he had been so sure about what he had heard. "What were you guys talking about then?" Nick asked, wanting to understand what had been so easily misunderstood.

"Listen man, I can't really get into it. It was something Jess wanted to talk to you about privately, but didn't get the chance to 'cause you left. And when I said that you didn't deserve her, that wasn't meant as an unconditional statement Nick. In fact that statement, of whether or not you deserved her, was extremely conditional to how you were going to deal with a particular situation." Winston tried to explain while shaking his head. Leave it to Nick to completely miss the entire point of an overheard conversation.

"You lost me Winston, I don't understand." Nick said, slightly frustrated. Why was Winston talking in riddles.

"Listen Nick, it's kind of the reason I came here to get you. It's Jess, she needs you." Winston finally gave up trying to reason with Nick, realizing that it was going to get him absolutely nowhere. All he had left to play was the guilt hand, he hoped the cards were good enough.

"Jess? What's wrong with Jess?" Nick asked, concern tinged his voice despite his attempt to disguise it.

"She's uh...well, she's..." Winston didn't know what to say, Jess had sworn him to secrecy, but he was determined to leave Chicago with Nick.

Nick stood up now, impatience overtaking him, "Well, what is it? Is she sick or something?" Nick asked, all kinds of terrible possibilities dancing through his mind. Counting would not save him now.

"Listen, Nick, she made me and Schmidt promise a long time ago that we wouldn't tell you, but..." Winston, trailed off, not really sure how to finish.

Nick's heart felt like it was going to explode. He had never considered that something might be wrong with her. Of course he had never considered it, he barely allowed himself to think about her for fear of losing his sanity. "How bad is it?" Nick asked, not sure if he wanted to hear the answer.

"The doctor's have her on bed rest," Winston answered. "She's home now, Schmidt and CeCe are taking care of her." Winston didn't like telling Nick this much, but he knew this was the only way, "come home Nick, she won't admit it, but she needs you."

Nick didn't even think about it before he turned around and yelled at Mike, "Hey Mike, I gotta go to LA, a friend is sick, don't hold my job,"

Mike looked up at him and waved his hand like he was shoeing away a fly, "I knew ya were a dirty bum like your old man! Don't come crawling back to me again Nicky, I mean it!" Mike yelled after him, as Nick began to walk away with Winston.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Nick muttered, familiar with the berating words that were being thrown at him now, "lay off, will ya? I gotta sick friend," he said turning back at Mike as headed towards the door.

"Yeah well I've got one less pain in my ass with you gone, see ya kid!" Mike said, waving him off one last time as Nick walked out of the bar, shaking his head.

Winston patted Nick on the back and smiled, "Let's go home, Nick."

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As always, constructive criticism is appreciated and welcomed. Thanks!


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I own nothing

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Nick opened his eyes as he felt the plane land. Keeping his eyes closed and his hands clutched around his armrests had been all he could do in flight to keep from losing it. Winston had notice his unease about halfway through the flight and had tried to help him. "Hey, man, since when are you afraid of planes?" Winston asked curiously.

"I'm not afraid," Nick retorted, snapping his eyes open and turning to face Winston.

"Coulda fooled me," Winston snorted back turning to face his head back to the seat in front of him.

"Look, I'm not afraid, I just..." Nick trailed off, not sure if he could explain. "I ran out of things to count." There, Nick had said it. He hadn't told anyone about his counting since he had started to do it, but there it was. Nick was having a full blown panic attack because he had counted everything on the plane twice already, and there was literally nothing left to count. All he could do was try to keep his eyes closed and imagine something to count, but he kept losing focus too easily, and Nick could feel the pressure in the cabin close in around him, he felt like he might suffocate.

Winston turned back to Nick in confusion, "Umm...what?" he asked. What did he mean he ran out of things to count, his eyes raised slightly at this new odd behavior. Nick had always been off, but this was new.

"Listen, sometimes it helps calm me down, that's all. If I have something to count, then I can just stay calm. But I've already counted everything on the plane, and..." Nick took a deep breath, "I'm just having a hard time, because there's nothing left to count," Nick finished while closing his eyes again.

Winston would have thought that Nick was joking, except the whole time he had kept his hands clutched to the armrest, and there was a look on his face, as though he was physically in pain. Still, Winston wasn't sure if maybe Nick was pulling his leg. "How many people are on the plane?"

"Eighty-nine," Nick answered, eyes still closed.

"How many flight attendants?"

"Four"

"How many windows?"

"One hundred and fifty-three," Nick answered, still refusing to open his eyes.

"That's impossible, how could there be an odd number of windows on the plane?" Winston asked, starting to feel like maybe Nick was being serious about this counting thing.

"I counted the front windshield in the cockpit," Nick explained without opening his eyes.

Winston nodded slowly, trying to accept this new, bizarre part of Nick. Winston didn't really know what else to say, so he just faced back towards the seat in front of him, hoping that the plane would land before Nick lost it. OCD did not look good on Nick Miller, and Winston just hoped that getting him back home would be enough to help.

An hour later, and Nick could feel the wheels touching the ground as the plane finally landed. His hands relaxed slightly as his eyes opened slowly. He took a deep breath, and let go of the armrests he had been clutching. He hadn't noticed, but his hands had been grasping them so tightly that they had left imprints on his palms. Nick studied them for a second before rubbing them on his pants and standing up with the rest of the plane when the captain's voice came over the intercom. Nick had noticed, but did his best to ignore the sideways looks that Winston kept giving him. They walked silently through the airport. Nick followed Winston after baggage claim, assuming that he knew where they were going. When they got outside Nick was shocked to see CeCe waiting for them by Winston's car. That's when Nick realized that he hadn't really been prepared to come back. A wave of emotion hit Nick like a ton of bricks. He wasn't sure where it had come from, but it stopped him dead in his tracks as he watched CeCe and Winston hug.

CeCe noticed Nick's hesitation, but it didn't let it stop her. She walked up to him and wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him down just slightly. She felt him waver for a second before she felt his arms wrap around her back. "I'm glad you're back Nick," CeCe said sincerely, pulling herself away from him. She was angry, that was unquestionable, but Winston had warned her on the phone to save it for later, that Nick was in weird place after Winston had told him the news about Jess. She looked him up and down, realizing how different he looked, "Not bad, Nick," she commented, eyebrows raised slightly.

Nick forced a smile, "It's good to see you too CeCe," it was the truth, it was good to see her. Nick and CeCe had never been close, but there was an unspoken easiness between them, both of them knowing that Jess was important to the other, and that being enough for both of them. Nick knew that CeCe was probably furious with him, and he appreciated that she was saving it for a different occasion.

"You guys ready?" CeCe asked looking back at Winston, he had just finished loading his bag into the trunk, and reached out a hand to take Nicks. When they had everything loaded they climbed into the car and CeCe drove them back to the loft that Nick had once called his home. The car ride was silent, but CeCe couldn't stand it. She could tell that Winston and Nick hadn't really talked about anything since Winston had told Nick that there was something wrong with Jess. "So, Nick, how have you been?" CeCe asked, trying to strike up a conversation.

"Fine," Nick answered, not caring to elaborate. He was counting the parking meters they passed on the street.

Winston chuckled softly as CeCe looked into the rearview mirror at Nick. Her eyebrows furrowed in frustration. "So, what's been new?" CeCe asked, not giving up.

"Nothing, same old," Nick responded quickly, he was up to one hundred and eighteen. He quickly lost count though when the car suddenly jerked and his head almost hit the side window. "What the?!" he yelled out to the front.

CeCe was done being nice. She wasn't going to stand by and watch as this man walked back into her best friend's life with absolutely nothing to say or contribute. She finished pulling the car over to the side of the street and unbuckled her seat belt. She noticed Winston quickly back up against the passenger door, trying to stay clear of her. She turned around in her seat and felt the the fire in her own voice. "You listen to me Nick Miller, we did not bring you all the way back to LA from Chicago because we missed you. You are not here right now because Schmidt is tired of the new guy at the bar. The only reason we decided to do all of this is because you deserved to know what was going on, and she deserves to have you here. But if you're not going to be here, like all here," she said making hand gestures around his eyes, suggesting that maybe his mind was out on lunch, "then you might as well get out of this car right now, because I am not about to risk my friendship with Jess for a vacant jackass with nothing to say."

Nick stared at CeCe hard. This was it, he had expected this outburst at some point, just not so soon. Nick nodded his head slowly, taking in her words. "You're right, I'm sorry."

"So what's it gonna be, you want to walk back to the airport?" CeCe asked, her hand gesturing towards the door.

"No, I'm sorry. I guess I'm just a little...I don't know, its weird to be back, under these circumstances," Nick said rubbing his hands up and down his face.

CeCe sighed feeling instantly bad about her outburst. She had almost forgotten that Nick thought Jess was on her deathbed, which wasn't necessarily the case. She had been relieved to hear that Winston had gotten Nick to come back with him, but was a little less than thrilled when he explained that he may have had to mislead Nick to do it.

"Listen, Nick, I know that this isn't easy, it hasn't been easy for any of us. But don't think about that part right now. Right now, I need to know why you're here, because I'm not about to let you walk into that apartment and break her anymore than you already have. If that's what you're here to do, then I'll drive you back to the airport, and we'll all just pretend like this never happened. Is that why you're here Nick?" CeCe stared at Nick from her seat, twisted towards him so she could fully face him.

Nick stared back, considering CeCe's words. Why was he here? There was something wrong with Jess, but what was he supposed to do about it, why had he come? Nick didn't know now that the question lay before him. Nick started to count the flowers on CeCe's blouse. He could hear CeCe yelling his name, but he kept counting.

"Nick!" CeCe yelled again, but he was full on ignoring her. She turned to Winston, concern and frustration etching her voice, "What is he doing?" She asked.

"I don't know, he picked up this weird Rain Man thing while he was in Chicago. Whenever he gets upset he starts to count or something." Winston tried to explain watching Nick mutter numbers to himself.

"Whatever, this is ridiculous," CeCe said, reaching forward she smacked Nick hard across the face, "pull it together Nick!" she screamed, attempting to snap Nick out of it.

Nick looked up, his face stinging from CeCe's hand, "What the hell, CeCe?" Nick yelled, holding his hand to where she had hit him.

"Oh good, you're awake," CeCe said rolling her eyes, "this was obviously a terrible idea, I'm taking you back to the airport," CeCe said beginning to turn back around in her seat to face the steering wheel.

It was now or never, Nick knew that CeCe wasn't messing around, she had little patience to begin with. "Okay, okay!" Nick yelled. He could feel himself letting go, and the anger he had been holding back began to ebb its way to the surface, "I'm going to tell her that I'm a freakin' idiot! I'll tell her the only reason I left is because I know I'm not good enough for her, but that I haven't stopped thinking about her since I've been gone!" Nick finished yelling at the front seat and bent forward to put his head in his hands.

CeCe turned back to look at Nick, and then turned to Winston, "We have to tell him, Winston," CeCe started.

Winston looked from Nick to CeCe, startled by her suggestion, "No way! We all agreed that Jess should be the one to do it," Winston started, looking back at Nick's confused expression.

"Tell me? Tell me what? What are you guys talking about?" Nick asked looking between Winston and CeCe.

"We have to tell him," CeCe repeated. "Look at him, he's on the verge of a freaking breakdown. I for one am not sending him to an apartment alone with Jess, he could freak out, it's too risky," CeCe said frowning at Nick.

Winston sighed, "If you're gonna do it, just do it, let's get it over with," Winston said, covering his eyes with his hand and leaning his head against the seat. CeCe was right though, Nick was way too volatile right now. He had known this since he had first started talking to him back in Chicago, but wasn't sure how to really describe this new change in Nick. Nick had always been sad and angry, but this was different. Before Nick would just flip out and start screaming whenever he was angry, he would sob uncontrollably whenever he was sad; his emotions were always right there on the surface, no matter how ridiculous or unreasonable or over the top they were. Now, he was trying for whatever odd reason to hold everything back. It was clear his emotions were still right there, boiling on the surface, but now it was scarier because you weren't really sure how much had been pent up, or for how long. Winston was prepared for the worst.

"Listen, Nick, Winston wasn't being entirely honest about Jess," CeCe began, turning herself to face Nick again.

Nick furrowed his eyebrows as he struggled to comprehend what CeCe was saying, "Wait, what are you talking about, which part?" Nick began, he could feel his ears start to get hot as his body began to react to the emotions that were running through him.

"Winston may have led you to believe that Jess was sick," CeCe started.

"No, that's what he said," Nick corrected, his voice getting louder as he began to realize what they were about to tell him, "Winston said Jess was sick," Nick clarified.

"Actually, I didn't," Winston began, turning around to face Nick in his seat. "You see, I said you had to come home because of Jess, you automatically assumed that something was wrong, and I just never really corrected you," Winston explained to Nick nervously. He could tell Nick was right there on the edge, he kept running his hands through his hair, and rubbing his face.

"You said she was on bed rest for crying out loud! What was I supposed to think, Winston?!" Nick yelled, he was definitely losing it, he couldn't believe what they were telling him right now. He had just traveled across the country for absolutely nothing. He had been fine in Chicago, but now he was here, ready to have a freaking aneurism over nothing.

"Well, that part wasn't a lie, right CeCe?" Winston said, looking over to CeCe for support. He was definitely scared of Nick right now.

"He's right Nick, that part is true." CeCe offered in support of Winston.

"Okay, so wait, she's not sick, but she's on bed rest? How does that make any sense?" Nick asked, looking back and forth between CeCe and Winston. Something was definitely wrong, both of them were avoiding eye contact, and Nick's frustration was reaching a breaking point. "Would someone please tell me what the hell is going on?!" Nick screamed, hoping for a straight answer.

CeCe sighed, and looked at Nick, "Nick, Jess isn't sick, she's pregnant. That's why she's on bed rest. She's due in a couple of..." but CeCe didn't get a chance to finish before Nick cut her off.

"Wait, what?" Nick stopped her, holding up his hand and squinting his eyes closed at the new information CeCe had just offered. His mind started to swirl, like maybe he was going to pass out. The car was silent as CeCe and Winston gave Nick a minute to process, but his head was just getting fuzzier and fuzzier. How could Jess be pregnant, why would they bring him here for this? He opened his eyes and quickly looked around for something new to count, but couldn't find anything. His head started to grasp at numbers, and before he could stop himself he was counting the number of days he had been gone from LA. One hundred and eighty six days. Nick hadn't been back in LA in one hundred and eighty six days. Nick desperately searched the car with his eyes for anything else to count, but there was nothing, and before he knew what he was doing he was adding his one hundred and eighty six days to the number of days it had been between having sex with Jess and leaving for Chicago. He shook his head, he must have mis-counted, so he started again. He counted three times, before he finally looked up at CeCe and Winston, both of them eyeing him warily. "I'm the father," Nick said. It wasn't a question, the numbers just didn't like, but they both answered him anyway, CeCe slowly shaking her head and Winston giving him a weak smile. Nick had to get out. His heart was racing and he felt like he might throw up. He reached for the door handle but the door didn't open. He looked up, "CeCe, let me out," he said as calmly as he could, but even he could hear the panic tinged in his voice.

CeCe had never been afraid of Nick, but this was definitely a side of Nick she had never seen before. As he struggled with the back door she didn't have to think twice about whether or not to release the child locks; there was no way she was going to stay in a car with Nick like that. She pressed the button as quickly as she could, and watched as Nick flew out of the car. She slowly looked over at Winston who was holding his head in his hands. "That could have gone better," she said slowly.

Winston picked his head up from his hands and looked back at CeCe, "Ya think?"

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As always, reviews are appreciated :)


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I own nothing

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Nick plopped himself down in the sand and watched as the tide rolled in. He wasn't sure how long he had wandered the streets of LA before he found himself in a cab headed to the ocean, but his guess was at least a couple of hours as he now watched the sun begin to set. He didn't know why he had come here, but he knew he had to go somewhere away from everything else. He was too distracted walking around aimlessly, and now that he was finally alone and settled he began to let everything sink in. _I'm going to be a father._ He couldn't wrap his head around it. Why hadn't Jess told him? He hadn't changed his phone number, so why hadn't she called? He tried to be angry, thinking of how unfair it was for her to keep this from him, but he just didn't have the heart for it. It was his fault, he had left. He realized now, thinking back to the overheard conversation so long ago, what Jess, Schmidt, and Winston had been talking about. The new roommate was his child, _their _child, and Jess was upset because she didn't know how to tell him. "Ugh, I'm such an idiot!" he exclaimed aloud to no one.

He had been in Chicago for months trying to change, trying to be better. But the truth was he hadn't changed at all; all he would have had to do to change was stay. Winston was right, he had pulled a classic Miller move, and ran. Nick thought of his father, Walt; all the times that him and his family had needed him and he wasn't there. Nick bent his head in shame as he realized he was shaping up to be just like him. He couldn't be someone's father, he could barely take care of himself. He thought about crying, but realized that he didn't have the energy for it, that he suddenly felt drained. The last forty eight hours had been the most eventful he had had since leaving LA.

Nick pulled his face up from his hands in time to see the sun sink behind the horizon. He thought about just staying here, on this beach, forever. But as soon as he thought it, he rejected it. That wasn't what he wanted. His mind began to clear again as he thought about what he did want, really thought about it. He remembered why he had come back in the first place. Jess. He wanted to be with her, he wanted her to know that he cared about her more than he had ever cared about anyone. He needed her to know how sorry he was for being such a coward and refusing to deal with her. He shook his head as he began to fully comprehend how badly he had messed things up. The past year rolled through his mind like a movie as he thought back to when he had first kissed Jess outside of their rooms, when she told him that she had wanted him, when his father died and she held his hand, their terrible first date that had resulted in them backing off and several hundred dollars in fines, him sweeping her off her feet in the elevator after they relived their first times, them having sex, her dad telling him he didn't deserve her, him telling her that he thought they should call it, him avoiding her for a month, and finally him deciding to leave. He had made mistakes all along the way, piling one on top of the other, and now he was here, trapped underneath them, not quite sure how to get out.

Nick lay back on the sand, feeling overwhelmed, and began to count the stars as they started to pop out of the sky. He stopped suddenly when he got to one hundred and eighty six, remembering that it had been one hundred and eighty six days that he had been gone. One hundred and eighty six days, wasted, all because he was too afraid to try. He didn't want to think about all of the things he had missed over the past one hundred and eighty six days; ultrasounds, picking out names, decorating a baby room. The tears that he had been looking for earlier began to well up unexpectedly. Nick sat up in the sand, and realized what he had to do. He was more scared than he had ever been in his life, but he was resolute in his decision. His Miller mind began to kick in as he thought of all of the different outcomes, ninety percent of them ending in failure and misery, but he didn't care anymore. He had wasted one hundred and eighty six days, and all he knew now was that he couldn't waste another one.

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"Any word?" Schmidt whispered in to the phone, looking over his shoulder to make sure Jess was still on the couch watching the movie. CeCe and Winston had called him to let him know of Nick's grand escape earlier that afternoon. They had been out searching for him for hours, and they were all worried about what he might do.

"No," answered Winston, "I'm running out of ideas here Schmidt. It's getting dark, I'm thinking we should call off the search party until tomorrow."

"Look, why don't I come and give you guys a hand, three heads is better than two, especially if one of the heads is mine" Schmidt suggested. He wasn't as eager to give up for the night as Winston. He didn't think Nick was going to do anything desperate, but he had been worried silly after CeCe and Winston had described Nick's behavior.

"You can't leave Jess there by herself!" Winston all but shouted, "What if Nick shows up at the loft?"

"Are you kidding? He knows she's here, this is the last place he'll turn up. Think about it Winston, you guys just told him he's going to be a father, I can all but guarantee that he's sitting in a bar somewhere with a glass of whiskey attached to his hand right now." Schmidt was growing impatient. The longer they took to find him, the longer it was going to take to sober Nick up.

Winston sighed into the phone, Schmidt had a point. "Alright, lets regroup back at CeCe's, we'll head back there now."

"Alright, see you soon," Schmidt replied, hanging up his cellphone. He walked back over to the couch where Jess was seated, wrapped in a quilt, her eyes fixed intently on the TV screen. She looked up when she noticed Schmidt approach out of the corner of her eye.

"Oh good, you're back, this is the best part," she said excitedly, patting the seat next to her. They had been trying to watch Adventures In Babysitting for the last five hours, but between all of her bathroom breaks and Schmidt's constant work calls he was getting, they had only made it through about halfway of the film.

"Actually, Jess, I was wondering if you would be okay here by yourself for a little while?" Schmidt asked tentatively. He knew that she would be, but none of them liked leaving her by herself. She had been on bed rest for the past two weeks on account of her size, but she was still perfectly capable of getting up and moving around. The doctor ordered it more so that she wouldn't be on her feet all day at work. Schmidt, Winston, and CeCe took turns spending time with her so that she wouldn't be lonely, but they all knew that she was physically okay to be by herself.

"Oh, yeah, sure...do you have to go back to the office?" Jess wondered, trying not to sound too disappointed. She knew the sacrifices her friends were making to help take care of her over the last couple of weeks, but the last thing she wanted to do was jeopardize any of their jobs.

"Uh yeah, kind of a dilemma. I called CeCe and Winston, but I guess they stopped off at a bar on their way home from the airport. They're definitely in no condition to drive back over here, I'm going to pick them up when I leave the office a little later." Schmidt did his best to avoid Jess' eyes, he had a hard time lying to her, and he found that it was ten times harder if he was looking at her big Bambi eyes.

"Oh, sure, okay," Jess said, kind of curious as to why CeCe and Winston decided to go and drink together, "I wonder if Winston had a bad trip with Daisy?"

"Yeah, sounds like maybe he did," Schmidt agreed. They had told Jess that Winston and Daisy were going on a getaway together to cover for his trip to Chicago. She hadn't even questioned it, and while they were all relieved, they were all nervous as hell that something was going to blow their cover.

"Okay, well, I won't wait up. I'll probably head into bed as soon as the movie's over," Jess said, nestling back into her body pillow.

"Yeah, definitely. You get some rest, and you call me if you need anything, I'm just fifteen minutes away, okay?" Schmidt said as he walked to the door.

"Please Schmidt, I'm pregnant, I'm not dying," Jess laughed at Schmidt's slightly overprotective nature.

"Ha," Schmidt struggled out a laugh at Jess' unknowingly terrible joke. Of course she had no way of knowing just how bad it was, but he ran from the apartment before she could look back and see the look of terror that he knew occupied his face.

As the credits began to roll through the end of the movie, Jess struggled to get up from her spot on the couch. As much as she had enjoyed being pregnant, she couldn't wait for it to be over. Little things that she had taken for granted were suddenly a struggle for her. Her hormones didn't help the situation. CeCe had found her sobbing the other afternoon because Jess hadn't been able to reach her favorite mug that Schmidt had accidentally put away out of Jess' reach. Jess waddled slowly over to the refrigerator to pour herself a small glass of milk before bed. The knock on the door startled her at first, but then she remembered that Schmidt had left in kind of a hurry, and she wasn't too surprised that he had locked himself.

"Schmidt!" Jess yelled as she waddled to the door with her glass of milk. "You're soo lucky that I haven't gone to bed yet or you would be up a creek," she said loudly so he could hear her through the door, half laughing as she swung it open. It wasn't Schmidt. Her heart caught in her throat and she felt a small gasp escape her mouth as she stared into Nick's face. "Nick," Jess said, almost involuntarily, as the glass of milk slipped from her hand and shattered on the floor at their feet.

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Reviews and constructive feedback welcome, thanks so much for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

AN - I sincerely apologize for the delay on this final chapter. I'm not going to lie, I started feeling seriously self conscience about this story, and even though I had the final chapter written, I wasn't happy with it. I still feel that it could be better, but what author doesn't? I've tweaked it to the best of my ability without wanting to delay it any further, so I hope you enjoy, and thanks for taking the time to read.

Disclaimer - still don't own anything...but working on it.

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Nick paced nervously in the elevator as it took him slowly to the fourth level of his old apartment building. His mind was racing, and he was having a hard time easing his doubts. He closed his eyes and tried to focus on his breathing, but the elevator came to an abrupt stop and the doors opened to let him off. He stepped off slowly, and headed to the right to the door that used to be his. He wasn't sure how long he was staring at it, wondering if he was really brave enough to go through with this, but he knew if he waited much longer he was going to risk waking her up. He raised his hand, and then slowly put it back down at his side, lowering his head with it. He looked down at the small bag he carried with him, a gift he had hastily bought on his way over, and he shook his head, telling himself silently that this was never going to work. He considered walking back to the elevator, when he remembered what exactly he was walking away from. Jess was somewhere on the other side of that door, and she was pregnant, with his child. Nick felt his throat start to close up, he started to think about everything he had already missed, and his mind became solid again. He was still nervous as hell, his hands still shook at his sides, but his feet were firm and his head was clear; he was doing this, no matter what happened.

He raised his hand again and knocked. He could hear Jess on the other side, she was talking to whom she must've assumed was Schmidt, going on about how he was lucky she was still awake, then she swung the door wide. Nick knew he wasn't breathing as he stared into Jess' face for the first time in too long. He heard her gasp as she said his name, followed by the sound of breaking glass. He scrunched his forehead and slowly followed the sound to their feet, realizing that Jess must have dropped a glass of milk. He slowly moved his eyes back up to her face, taking in for the first time Jess' swollen belly. She was huge; not like due in a couple of weeks huge, more like due a couple of weeks ago huge. No wonder the doctor had her on bed rest, Nick thought, but he wasn't at all surprised, remembering Jess' tiny and petite frame. He felt a new mix of emotions as he took in the sight of her, things he hadn't felt in a long time swirled through his chest, things he couldn't put a name to. Jess began to move towards the kitchen and he realized what she was doing as he saw her go for the paper towels.

"Jess, don't, you're not wearing any shoes. Let me clean it up," Nick said, inviting himself into the loft and following her into the kitchen.

"Don't tell me what to do Nick, I'm perfectly capable of cleaning up my own messes!" Jess huffed back at him as she waddled back to the mess, paper towels in hand.

"I didn't say you weren't," Nick started, arguing back without even thinking, "I just said let me help you," he followed Jess back to the mess, broom and dustpan in hand. He watched as she struggled to bend down, if they hadn't been in the middle of yelling at each other he would have laughed.

"I don't need your help!" Jess yelled back at him angrily, finally making it to her knees and leaning over to soak up the milk with her wad of paper towels, being careful not to cut herself on the glass scattered across the floor. It wasn't until she finished that she realized she had no way of getting back up on her own. Her face flushed at her mistake, and she sat on her knees, staring forward as she tried to figure out what to do.

Nick watched as Jess finished soaking up the milk. He was wondering how she was planning on standing back up, and when she stopped moving he guessed that she was probably wondering the same thing herself. He slowly walked over and offered her his hand, speaking more calmly now, "Jess, let me help you," she looked up at him, her face full of frustration and what Nick thought maybe looked a little bit like sadness. He wondered if she would maybe choose to stay there on the floor, remembering how stubborn she could be, but she slowly reached out and took his extended arm and allowed Nick to gently pull her to her feet. Nick made sure Jess was steady, and then began to sweep up the scattered shards of glass, Jess just stood there and watched. When he was finished he took the paper towels that were still bunched up in her hands, and walked back to the kitchen where he threw them out and emptied the contents of the dustbin. He gently set the broom and dustbin back by the refrigerator, and looked back over to Jess, realizing now that he didn't remember any of the things he had been planning on saying.

Jess watched Nick as he finished cleaning up the broken glass, not knowing what to say. When he was finished he stood in the kitchen, they stared at each other for what felt like hours, but Jess knew was only a minute or so. She finally decided to break the silence. "Why are you here?" She asked.

Nick struggled again to remember all the things he had wanted to say to her, instead what came out was "I...I uh, you, I," he shook his head, trying to clear out the cobwebs and started again, "I came back to see you," he said clearly this time.

Jess was taken aback, it had been almost seven months, why now? She suddenly remembered she was pregnant when she felt a small kick. Her hand went to her stomach, and she remembered that Nick hadn't known she was pregnant, but here he stood in front of her, not freaking out. She furrowed her face in confusion, and then she realized that he must not think its his. That would be the only explanation there could be that he was still standing in front of her as opposed to running through the still open front door. Jess was nervous, she hadn't been prepared to go through any of this tonight...heck, she hadn't been prepared to go through any of this ever. She had done her best over the past seven months convincing everyone that it was for the best that she didn't tell Nick. She explained that he didn't want be apart of their lives anymore in LA, that that was obviously why he had left, and that she wasn't about to try to bring him back to a life where he was unhappy. All of that had been true, but there was one other reason she had for keeping the pregnancy from Nick that she hadn't shared with anyone. The truth was she was terrified; having him stand in front of her that night at the hotel, hearing him say that he thought they should call it, it took everything Jess had to keep it together enough to not cry in front of him. Jess had been rejected before, but rejection from Nick Miller was something different. That was why she had confided in Winston and Schmidt when she first found out about the pregnancy. She had been so upset, not because she was pregnant, but because she didn't know what she would do if Nick rejected her and this baby. So when he had left before Jess could even tell him, Jess took it as a sign that it just wasn't meant to be; he just wasn't meant to be apart of her life. It was a double-edged sword, relief and regret. It was certainly easier, not having to guess at how the unpredictable Nick Miller would react, not having to worry that he would break her in two with his stare and walk away. But Jess knew what she was doing was wrong. Besides everyone constantly being on her case about how she should tell him, Jess knew that she was cheating her child and Nick out of the chance of knowing each other. But Jess pushed down her feelings of guilt, and let her fear win out. She would not risk her and her baby being rejected by Nick, she would not tell him. And now here they stood, Nick in front of her telling her that he was here for her; Jess couldn't believe it, her head was getting fuzzy. "I think I need to sit down," she said softly as she began to make her way to the couch.

Nick walked quickly over to Jess' side, concerned now that maybe she was going to pass out. But she made it over to the couch, and he sat across from her on the ottoman. He looked around the loft, it seemed nothing had changed. But as he looked closer he noticed a stroller sat by the front door. There was a high chair by the kitchen table, and another one by the island. Nick shook his head, realizing that Schmidt had probably gone overboard on more than a couple of the necessities, and he had missed it. He looked at Jess, trying to control the anger that was beginning to take shape in his chest, "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked, keeping his voice steady.

Jess could tell he was upset, but she couldn't be sure why. Was he mad that she was pregnant with what he assumed was someone else's child? He would certainly have no right to be, he had been the one to end it before it even started. Jess narrowed her eyes at him, was he upset because he thought it was his, and she hadn't told him? No, that couldn't be, there would be no way he would be sitting here so calmly now if he thought for a second he was the father. It had to be because he thought it was someone else's, some nerve he had, she thought. "Why should I have told you?" she asked somewhat incredulously, "what gives you the right to just walk back in here and demand answers from me," she challenged as she watched him get up from the ottoman in frustration at her words.

"Geez Jess, I don't know, maybe 'cause you're pregnant with my kid," Nick threw back gesturing towards her overly large stomach. What was she trying to play at, he wondered. Was she really going to try to pretend that there was nothing wrong with her trying to keep this from him. He looked back at her as her eyes bugged out slightly, only then realizing that she obviously hadn't known that Nick was aware that he was the father. It dawned on him then, that she wasn't trying to pretend that she hadn't been wrong to keep it from him, she was trying to pretend that it wasn't his at all. His anger swelled at the thought of her still trying to keep him out, keep him away. He shook his head and flexed his hands, trying to keep calm. He walked over to the window facing the street and began to count the lights in the building closest to them.

Jess wasn't sure what was going on. Nick was obviously angry, but he wasn't yelling. She had been wrong, he had known he was the father, but he was here anyway, and he didn't seem afraid. Was this really Nick Miller, she wondered to herself. As she watched him try to control his anger, flexing his fists open and closed, she noticed for the first time that Nick was different physically. She had been so shocked at his sudden appearance that it was only now, fifteen minutes later, that she really took him in physically. Nick wore cargo pants, but they fit differently than they used to, suggesting that his waist was smaller now. His black thermal shirt didn't reveal much, but she could tell now as she looked closer that he had lost his little belly, his neck and shoulders seemed thicker, and his shirt seemed tight around his arms. His hair was the same, but before Nick left he had kept himself clean shaven, now his scruff was in full effect. Jess watched as he walked over to the window, his back to her. "How'd you know," she asked softly.

Nick turned around to face her, his anger waning slightly after reaching two hundred and twenty three lights before he turned to respond to her question. "C'mon Jess, I'm not stupid, that's how I knew," he said, running his hand through his hair. "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked again, looking her in the eyes, hoping that she would answer this time.

Jess couldn't stand it, she didn't care anymore. He couldn't just come back here and pin this on her, like she was the only one at fault here. She started to get up from the couch and saw Nick start to walk over and help her, "No," she said firmly, "you stay right there, I'll be right back," and with that she shuffled to her room and searched through her nightstand for the reason she hadn't told Nick. Finding it she returned as quickly as she could, shoving the piece of paper into his hands. "You want to know why I didn't tell you, this is why I didn't tell you!" Jess said, not trying to hide the tears that were beginning to build as her voice started to crack.

Nick took the paper and looked down, recognizing the untidy scrawl as his own, and knew immediately that Jess had been right. She had been right all along not to tell him, to try to keep herself and their child from him. He was an ass, and the letter that he had written to her was her proof of it. He remembered what it said, but he opened it up and re-read it anyways to remind himself.

Jess,

I have to leave. There's nothing really here for me anymore, and its just time to move on. Make sure Winston and Schmidt don't kill each other, take care.

Nick

As Nick read the words he thought back to writing it. He had written at least twenty different letters to Jess, each one trying to put into words how Nick felt about her. They were all crap, and he knew that how he felt would never matter. So he left her with nothing, hoping that it would at least piss her off enough to make her never want to talk to him again. He couldn't have known then how badly that would end up back firing on him. He folded the letter back up and looked into her face. He could see the tears forming in her eyes, the anger behind them. He was ashamed of himself. He had been pushing her away from the beginning, and now he was here blaming her for not letting him in. He felt guilt wash over him, and did his best to push it to the side in order to gather every last bit of courage he had so that he could say what he come here to say. "Jess, I'm sorry. I don't have any excuse for myself, and the only explanation that I have is that I'm a coward. And you know that I'm not really good at this kind of thing, but I've been practicing what I want to say; and what I want to say is that you're the most important person in my life, Jess. Even though I've pushed you out of it, and I ran away, all the things that I've done since going to Chicago, I do most of them for you. If there was one thing that I could change over the past year, it would be telling you that I think we should call it. I didn't want to call it, I just...I don't know, I had Bob stuck in my head, and the way you looked at me in the air vent, like you knew I would hurt you. I told myself that I was doing the right thing, because you deserved to be with someone so much better than me. But I can see now what a mess I've made. I don't expect you to forgive me, and I don't expect you to want to have anything to do with me, but I'm here now because I want to try. I want to try to fix this, even if I can't fix all of it. I want to help you Jess, I want to be apart of your life again. Before I left, you were my best friend, and I'm pretty sure that I was falling for ya...I don't know if I can have any of that back, but I want to try." Nick finished by reaching up to tuck a stray strand of hair behind Jess' ear. She looked so sad, and he could only watch as she let the tears fall down her face silently.

Jess put both of her hands up to her face and rubbed her eyes. This was crazy. What was he telling her? Did she really just hear him tell her that he had been falling for her? Jess felt several tiny kicks, and put her hand to her stomach. "What about this Nick, are you ready to be a father?" Jess asked. Sure, it was nice to hear him own up to his mistakes, and say that he wanted to fix them, but he hadn't said anything about her being pregnant.

Nick laughed, "Absolutely not," he took a step closer to where she stood, "but I want to try."

Jess was getting frustrated, "Well this isn't a game of Operation, Nick! You can't just give it a go whenever you feel like it and put it back on the shelf when it gets too hard. You're going to need to do better than try, and if you can't then you can just go back to Chicago, we don't need you," Jess said, letting her emotions get the best of her as she took several steps away from him.

He wasn't going to let her get away though, he took two more steps forward to replace the ones that she had taken away, "You're right, Jess. I know that you can do this without me, but I don't want you to. I want to be here with you, and I'm not going to give up this time, not on you, or this baby," Nick said gently, looking down at her stomach.

Jess cocked her head to the side quizzically, smiling slightly at Nick's unknowing mistake. Of course he didn't know, he had just found out she was pregnant after all. "Nick, did you know before you came here, that I was pregnant?" She asked suddenly, she had to see how much he actually knew.

Nick sighed, he knew he might as well tell her, but he would have to apologize to Winston and CeCe later. "Winston came to Chicago, its a long story, but he got me to come back to LA with him, and him and CeCe told me in the car." Nick explained, leaning against the kitchen table. He could see the wheel's in Jess' head start to go and mistook them for anger, "It's not their fault, Jess. I really didn't leave them much of a choice, they were afraid that if I didn't know before hand that I would walk in here and freak out, and they were probably right." Nick tried to explain.

Jess was trying to piece everything together, "What exactly did they tell you?" she asked slowly.

"Just that you were pregnant, and that I was the father," Nick started, he didn't want to get into too much detail, but he knew it would come out anyway, "I may have ran away from the car after that," he said bashfully.

Jess nodded her head slowly, trying to keep the smile from her face. So he didn't know everything. As the reality of what had transpired over the past twenty minutes began to sink in, a warm feeling started to flow through her veins, his eyes boring into hers. What Jess saw there didn't surprise her, she had known it was there before, but she realized now that in the past seven months that she had missed it, and forgotten of it somehow. A warm adoration, a gentle kindness, and a desperate plea, somehow all wrapped into one look from Nick. Staring back at him, Jess realized that she was no longer afraid. She knew that she was capable of doing this by herself, but she knew that she wouldn't have to. Even if Nick Miller ran, Jess somehow knew that he would always be back. Staring back at him now Jess recognized something else in his eyes that she had never been able to attach a word to before; it was devotion. Had it been there before, she wondered, or was this something new? She knew the answer as soon as she had asked herself the question, it had been there, it had been there for a long time. Somehow, she had never really truly saw it for what it was; she had taken it for granted, maybe even pushed it away. She knew now though, Nick Miller wasn't going anywhere. With this new gem of knowledge Jess felt fearless. She smiled as she stared at him now, and laughed as an unsure smile spread across his face.

"What's so funny, Jess?" Nick asked. He thought for sure that CeCe and Winston telling him about the pregnancy would make her furious, but here she stood in front of him, laughing.

"I bet I can still make you run," Jess said knowingly, taking a few more steps backwards.

Nick laughed, "Try me," he said, slowly following her. She reached out her hand, and he looked down at it and back at her questioningly, he wondered if this was some kind of trap. He took it anyway and felt a warm sense of relief wash over him. He was doing it, he was making this work. He smiled at himself, a feeling of hope arose in him that he hadn't felt in a very long time. Jess slowly led Nick to his old room, and he wondered what she thought she could show him that would make him run. They walked in, and Jess flipped on the light. Nick let his eyes adjust as he slowly looked around; his room was no longer his room. The walls were painted, soft yellow and soft green. There was baby furniture, and rocking chairs, they had turned his room into a nursery. Nick let go of Jess' hand as he walked over to the crib, running his hand along the side. As he let his surroundings sink in he suddenly noticed a theme in the room. There was two of everything. The room was split into two, an exact mirror image of itself. Two cribs, two dressers with changing stations, two rocking chairs, two bookshelves. Nick could feel his heart start to pound and his blood pressure begin to rise as he remembered seeing two high chairs in the kitchen. He heard Jess laugh as she saw him piece it together, and looked back at her incredulously, his eyes bugging out of his head and the color draining from his face. "Twins?! Seriously, Jessica? Twins!" Nick suddenly felt very thirsty and his hands gripped the top of his head furiously as though he were trying to keep it from falling off.

Jess felt bad that she was causing him to have a panic attack, but it wasn't as though she had just decided to have twins. She walked up to him slowly, and put a hand on his shoulder, "the door's over there," she nodded, pointing him in the right direction.

Nick was still panicked, but he somehow felt calmer with her hand on him like that, it was like counting without the counting. He looked at the door and then back at Jess, realizing that she was daring him to run. He took several deep breaths, squeezing his eyes shut, willing himself to stay. With his eyes closed he remembered, one hundred and eighty six; he had missed one hundred and eighty six days. He slowly turned to face her, pulling himself together as he did so. Nick put one hand on her waist, letting his other hand graze her face, "not a chance," he said firmly. He was ready to prove that he wasn't going to go anywhere. His heart was still pounding in his chest, and he let the sudden adrenaline rush from his shock guide his actions. He leaned in slowly, letting his lips brush softly against hers. Though he hadn't had the chance to kiss her much before he left, the familiarity of it overwhelmed him, and he knew that he could never leave this again. He could feel Jess push up against him to deepen the kiss as she wrapped her arms around his neck. Nick let his hands roam Jess' back, underneath the light oversized sweatshirt she was wearing. His hands grazed the side of her pregnant belly, and he slowly pulled away from the kiss to look down at his hands that were now settled on her stomach. Jess moved her hands over his, and guided them slightly to the left where he felt a definite kick against his palm. They both pulled their heads up at the same time, looking at each other intently. Nick smiled and shook his head, "freakin' twins," he said, laughing.

Jess laughed with him. "What did you think I was walking around here looking like a pumpkin for? Did you really think that this was just one giant baby?" She asked, taking his hand again and leading him out of the nursery. They made their way back to the couch and Nick helped Jess as she tried to find a comfortable spot. That's when Nick remembered the gift he had brought with him. He had thrown it haphazardly to the floor when he had rushed in to help Jess clean up the broken glass of milk. He ran back to the door to grab it from the floor where he had left it while Jess watched him curiously. "What is that Nick?" She asked, as he walked back over smiling.

"I bought this on my way over, sorry I didn't have time to wrap it or anything," Nick said, now suddenly nervous that she would think it was stupid or tacky. He watched her apprehensively as she opened the bag. Relief flooded through him as he saw her face light up. She began to laugh loudly as she read the words across the onesie that had been in the bag, "_nobody puts baby in a corner_".

"This is perfect, Nick, thank you," Jess said, her laughter subsiding. She reached to place her hand in his and he eagerly accepted.

"I guess I'll have to get another one," Nick said, chuckling. He watched Jess slowly fold the onesie and place it and the bag to the side of the couch. She returned her hand to his and softly smiled.

"What now Nick?" Jess asked as they stared at each other comfortably.

Nick sighed, he didn't know the answer to that question, but he figured he'd give it a shot anyway. "Now, we get ready to have a baby - I mean two babies," he corrected quickly, "and we spend the rest of our lives trying to be decent parents."

"Together?" Jess asked. She wasn't apprehensive, she already knew the answer to the question, she just wanted to see if he knew it too.

"Absolutely, together," Nick agreed. He didn't know what that meant anymore, but he didn't care. Whether they were friends, boyfriend and girlfriend, or maybe even married one day, Nick knew that from now on they would always be together.

**FIN**


End file.
